Growing up and through my early adult years, I was an over-achiever. When I began a project, job, class, or task I threw myself completely into the work at hand. And I almost always got great results. My college GPA was slightly below a 4.0, I ran 5-10 miles each day and had the body and energy of a distance runner. I dressed well and wore make-up and jewelry everyday.
Twenty years and 7 children later, things have changed. My social life is non-existent. Somewhere along the line, I developed ADD. Throughout the day, I skip from one task to another, completing few projects. The chores that do get completed are not done as thoroughly as needed. I don't remember the last time all the floors were vacuumed or washed on the same day. We won't discuss the dust bunnies in corners, under furniture, and being tracked from one room to the next. There hasn't been less than 8 loads of laundry in the laundry room waiting for attention for days. Not the same loads, but I can't seem to make a dent in the endless mound of dirty clothes. I'm ironing a shirt for my husband in the morning before he leaves for work.
My children don't get the instruction and discipline they need. What kind of mother tells her 10 year old daughter that said daughter has a mean streak a mile wide and if she doesn't stop being mean, I'll make her as miserable as she is making everyone else? It doesn't matter that she has been a pain in the neck for the last 2 weeks. She needs guidance and constructive input, not a rude comment and a threat.
Today, was my nephew's 2nd birthday. The children and I went to his party. My sister decorated the living room with helium balloons and banners. The huge cake was beautifully decorated with a scene from the Disney movie Cars. I have no skill in decorating cakes. My biggest accomplishment is to pipe a ribbon edge around the cake. I write "Happy Birthday" poorly on the top of the cake. Pictures are never taken of these cakes. They taste good, but certainly don't look pretty. Paige's birthday is Wednesday. She asked if she could have beautiful banners and balloons like her cousin. I can't afford to purchase helium balloons. There is no money in the budget for decorations. She's going to be disappointed, and I feel terrible.
I'm tired of being overweight and ashamed of the way I look. Meeting people is so stressful. People judge others by the way they look. I know what it takes to lose weight. Eat fewer calories that you use each day. Why can't I make time to exercise each day? Why don't I carefully keep track of what I'm eating? Am I just too lazy?
All of these feelings will pass. My depressions and feelings of failure will subside and my life will gain balance. But today, I'm simply weary of the daily grind. The broken dishwasher, ugly van with brake problems, drippy bathroom faucets, storm door that needs to be closed in just the right way, and irritable children are driving me crazy. Did I mention that the kitchen sprayer hose shoots water across the kitchen every time the faucet is turned on?
6 comments:
(((((((hugs))))))))
Oh I so know what you're going through.
It's tough.
It's yucky.
It's miserable.
I'll be praying for you and know that I wish I was close enough to come commiserate in person and even work with you on dust bunnies. Because you know it is always more fun to help someone else clean their home than to clean my own.
You're right that these feelings will pass, but some days are just hard! If I was commenting earlier I'd tell you to just take off for a while, with or without your DH, to unwind.
As far as the weight, weight loss can be a goal, but don't let your weight stop you from enjoying life to the fullest right now! Don't care about what other people think, and don't diminish this time in your life just because your physical appearance isn't where you want it. :)
Oh Karen, hugs and more hugs to you!
I can so relate to your post. I was an overachiever, too, in many ways. Typical uptight perfectionist child of an alcoholic. Make-up since junior high because I was so insecure about my appearance (buck teeth, acne, pale skin). I still haven't given up the make-up. But like you I now suffer from severe ADD. It takes me forever to get through a book. The house is never as neat or clean as I would like it. I spend too much time blogging when I should be doing more productive things. You are ironing your husband's shirt in the a.m.; I say iron? What's an iron? If my dh wants an ironed shirt he has to do it himself. (I buy permanent press as much as possible.)
I feel like my children mostly fend for themselves academically. They can read and write and figure but there are huge gaps in what I would like them to know. I haven't taught them nearly enough about how to cook, clean or run a house. I worry about the day they have to do so themselves.
We live in an incredibly affluent area. I think we have a pretty decent house--until I walk into the home of almost anyone in our congregation. Then ours seems like a dump by comparison. The leaking roof, broken tile, falling apart dining room chairs, broken windows that won't open and yes, leaky faucets, are discouraging and overwhelming. We live in a 40-year-old house that is starting to need a lot of TLC and I wonder how we'll ever have money to fix it all.
Didn't mean to turn your "failure" post into mine. But I wanted to say how much I understand and empathize with where you are coming from. I'm glad to hear you acknowledge that you are probably at a low point right now and that you know it will get better. While you're waiting for that upturn, lay your failures at the foot of the cross and know that they were all paid for by your Saviour. Then try to focus on all the things you are doing right. Those beautiful faces on your blog say it all.
God bless, Karen.
HUGS!!!
I could have written this post!! I read each paragraph and nodded my head.
You just need to come out and visit my dust bunnies and you would feel much better! :)
I won't even talk about the laundry - I was just emailing another friend about my laundry. I hate laundry. It never really gets DONE. Grrr.
You know, I was thinking about how women seem to be able to motivate themselves to clean someone else's house more than their own, and I think it's because when we clean someone else's house we leave it behind and go home with this nice picture, deceiving ourselves into thinking it's going to STAY THAT WAY. When we clean our own house, we know better--that it's a matter of days (or sometimes hours) until it will all need to be done again. Makes you wonder, why bother? Sigh. So I do the dishes and laundry because I must (we have to have clean clothes and dishes), but it seems the mopping and vacuuming and dusting can always wait another day.
Thank you so much for your words of comfort and understanding. I can't express how much it has helped.
The kids and I have been working hard on capturing the dust bunnies and general upkeep on the house. I decided to take a couple of days off of school, while taking mom to her appointments this week.
The weight loss is still an issue, but I'm going to focus more on eating better and getting more exercise. Dieting is just too much pressure and stress for me right now. Hopefully, the added exercise will at least make me feel a little better.
Thanks again!
Post a Comment