Monday, May 28, 2012

How to Have a Memorable Memorial Day Weekend

Many people spend Memorial Day weekend going to their loved-ones graves, having picnics, swimming at the lake, boating or camping. We don't do any of those things because my husband always has to work everyday of the weekend and all day on Memorial Day. This year, the kids and I had made a few tentative plans. Nothing special, just playing volleyball in the backyard, cooking out and having a bonfire. We didn't follow through on any of our ideas. Instead, we had a very memorable weekend. If you too want to experience a truly memorable weekend simply follow these simple instructions. It is very helpful if the temperatures are in the mid to high 90s with lots of humidity.

Friday Night: Serve a delicious cold supper of fresh strawberries, Gouda and Edam cheese slices, salad, carrots, celery, green peppers, French bread and bananas. Don't take care of the dishes following supper, wait until around midnight when your are tired and careless. Take the 9 the banana peels, the lettuce core and the green pepper cores and put them in the disposal at one time. Tun on the disposal and wait for the disposal to clog the kitchen sink. Continue to add water and run the disposal, hoping desperately that the extra water will help move the food through the pipes. Turn off the disposal in despair. Walk into the bedroom and wake husband to tell him that you blocked the drain. Husband should promise to look at drain before leaving for work in the morning. Do not run the dish washer. Allow the food to harden on the dishes over night.

Saturday Morning: Husband should haul himself out of bed after 6 hours sleep and try to fix the drain. The drain will slowly empty now. Husband will leave for work after saying that he will bring home some good drain cleaner when he comes home. Wife should be told to go ahead and use the sink. Run the dishwasher. Turn on clothes washer. Both sinks fill up in the kitchen and almost overflow. Turn off dishwasher and leave food residue to continue to harden on dishes. Turn off washing machine and allow clothes to set in the water in the machine.

Saturday Afternoon: Force children to clean their bedrooms. Take several large garbage bags of trash or junk out to garbage can. Trash can should become full and several bags should be set near the trash can on the ground.

Saturday Night: Husband will arrive home after working 14 hours. He should have stopped at the store and picked up liquid fire drain cleaner. After pouring the cleaner down the drain and waiting the required 20 minutes, husband will realize that the drain is still clogged. Husband should now use auger or "snake" on drain, then pour more drain cleaner down sink. Sink will not work. It should now be after midnight. Husband and wife should fall into bed exhausted. Kitchen should be a disaster zone. Dishes should be piled up on all counters. Laundry room should begin to smell musty.

Sunday morning: Husband and wife should awaken to smelly house. Husband will now add drain cleaner a third time. After waiting another 20 minutes, the drain will begin to work. Husband and wife should be thrilled that it isn't necessary to call in a professional plumber. Husband should go to work. Wife will restart dishwasher and fill sink with soap and water to start hand washing some of the dishes on the counter. Child should restart clothes washer. Remaining children should finish cleaning their bedrooms. Oldest child should walk to the basement and notice huge pool of water on floor. Humongous pile of bags filled with out of season clothing should be drenched. Cardboard boxes holding household goods and electronics should be soaked. Smell should not be pleasant. Now is the appropriate time for the wife to call the husband at work. Husband should drive home to deal with main pipe in basement. Laundry and dishwasher should be turned off in the middle of their loads.

Sunday afternoon: Husband will now cut out main pipe in basement. Pipe should be old iron pipe from when plumbing was originally added to home. Children and wife will now begin bringing stinky bags of clothing and household goods out to front porch for sorting. Do not deal with the basement items inside the house, smell will be very unpleasant.

Husband should make multiple trips to local home improvement store for parts. Wife should have small reserves of patience. Children will melt away and disappear from sight and out of the reach of mother's voice. Temperatures should hoover around 97 and humidity should be high. Finally, husband says that leak is fixed and all water sources are available for use. Turn on washing machine and dish washer. Continue to sort out stinky clothing into piles to pitch without washing or to wash and store. Search diligently for a couple of children to put together tent to hose off and air dry.

Husband will continue to drag never-ending piles of boxes and bags to the porch for the wife's sorting pleasure. Husband will then begin washing floors and walls of basement with bleach solution. Wife will run endless piles of laundry through washer and dryer. Children will continue to hide. Darkness will fall and husband and wife will fall into bed exhausted.

Monday: Husband will go to work. Wife will complete kitchen cleanup, then return to washing clothing and sorting household items. Clothing will be hung on clothesline to dry. Son will prepare delicious dinner and daughter will clean kitchen.
Two daughters will earn $3 selling weeds flowers to passing cars. Wife will decide to end her work day at 6:00 when every muscle in body begins to hurt. There will still be many more hours of work to be done on Tuesday, but the Memorial Day weekend has been one that no family member will forget.

On Wednesday, wife and children plan to celebrate the clean basement and return to normalcy. Maybe we will even go to the beach.

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